Have you ever been so lost in your own world? So lost in love with someone it feels like you can not find yourself. Have you ever wonder what if? What if I had the strength to move on? The strength to be my own woman my own self. When do we reach this point if you have never loved and lost? Guess the real question should have you Ever Loved?
Have you Ever Loved?
I’ve loved. I have lost. Now as I am refused, I learned nothing can compare to the feeling of staying in a painful situation. But even when you hit me down I will stand my ground. “No,” was all I said. That one word served to have a greater power that eluded me. For he looked at me as if he was ignoring me. Like what I wished for did not matter. As his decision was final.
Swallowing nervously I straightened my shoulders and I went for it again. “No.” A little louder but with a lot more conviction. I continued when I had his attention, as crossed as it were. “I have every intention of staying in Boston, for some time. If I have to wait until I am approved I will.” With all the conviction I could muster. I watched as his eyes smiled at my determination. He had always been a man who loved dedication and someone who had balls as he put it.
Truth is I am a coward, nothing he wanted me to be, not headstrong I am not vindictive. Not brave, not the Melissa that he wants me to be. I am in love with a man who is too good for me. A man who I long to fulfill his every need. The man who caused me to hold my breath every time he looks at me. Have you ever been in a position to understand how I feel? Have you ever been in love?
Ever hurt so much, your heart would bleed?
“When were you going to tell me?” He said. Like sweet honey, the word trickled off his tongue. Watching his every move I soaked him in. ” I…” I stuttered. ” Hoping I wouldn’t have to that you would have approved me without much fight.” His eyes wavered before settling about my face.
“Protecting my greatest assets I like to keep them close where I can keep an eye on them.” He paused, running his hand through his hair. This must have been meant figuratively when he spoke. For he never set foot in California since I moved there. It is the very reason I had to fly to Boston to meet with him. As online interactions are too impersonal.
“I have decided to move to California to broaden my horizons. I was actually thinking of setting up here in Boston to manage while I am gone. You see I am planning on getting married this Summer. There is no place like California to set up a home.”
A not so sweet confession
In minutes refused, objectified, ordered around, promoted and relocated to a different city. The man I waited for as chosen another. All I could hear myself saying is ‘No’. No, I don’t want to move. I want to be near you. No, I don’t want to get married. Not to her. No, I don’t want to stay not if I can’t have you.
I stared at him long enough to see how he felt. He was serious he meant every word. Was I to be happy for him and congratulate him? Or was I to tell him how long I have loved him? How long I have yearned for him to be with him? Was I to hang my head in shame, to accept my faith? All I wanted to do. But nothing compared to the lone tear which slid from my eyes. Which I thought went unnoticed like me.
It did not take him long to register what I had said. I was pushed, as a result, my heart bleeds and my mouth confessed. It seemed the company I enjoyed, ended in favor of another.